Letters to God 5

Dear Devil,


What up son? My name is Robert. This is my first time writing to you. I usually write to God when I have a question but I decided to write to you to get your take on a couple of things. For starters, what the hell is going on down there—no pun intended? Is it as hot as people say it is? Are you as bad as people say you are? What’s up with you and God; are you just the biggest hater of all-time, or just really, really misunderstood? My true reason for writing you today is because some humans believe that life on earth is just as bad life where you live—the funny thing about it is that I may agree with them.

Up here on earth, people go through all kinds of shit. People are dying, starving, homeless, hungry, poor, depressed, sick, being murdered, being raped, sad, lonely, etc, etc, etc. Most people blame you. They say that it is your fault why the world is the way it is today. Are you responsible for all this shit? If you are responsible, why do you have to be such an evil son-of-a-bitch? Why do you have to ruin people’s lives? Are you that damn bored that you have to mess up the only life that we get on this planet? According to the Christians, you were such a great guy. They said that you were one of God’s favorite angels, but then you did something stupid and was sent to hell for it. Now, other religions may have different views on how you got to hell, but I think everyone blames you for all of their misfortunes.

Why do you have to be so damn cruel? Why did you have to do what you did to Whitney Houston? Come on Devil, of all the people in the world, you had to ruin the life of one of our generations greatest singers. Was Macy Gray busy or something? I don’t think anyone cares if she thinks, “crack is wack”.

I know that you are responsible for the Jheri curl. Only an evil being could have invented a product so terrible. It plagued this country like a disease throughout the 1980’s. People were forced to sleep with shower caps on their heads, streets were cleaned more frequently due to the increased levels of oil, and most couches were usually destroyed due to Jheri curl activator stains. And while I’m on the subject of hair, I know you were the one behind the mullet. Come on, that one was just cruel. Oh, don’t think that I forgot about “Soul Plane”. Wow, if that movie didn’t set black people back 400 years I don’t know what did. Only a sick, twisted, individual would be inspired to create such a horrible movie. You are such an evil bastard to force people to make such a grotesque movie. It’s OK, because I saw it on bootleg and I didn’t spend a dime to see it. HAHAHA. I guess I won that time.

Seriously, life is hell and I’m getting rather tired of it. I think I want to kill myself. I would have talked to God about this situation, but I already know how he feels about suicide. I truly want to do it and I don’t want him to change my mind. If I kill myself, I am going to Hell anyways so I just wanted to know if it is as bad as my life here on earth. I may lose my job soon due to budget cuts, and I believe that my position is in jeopardy of being the first eliminated. My girlfriend just informed me that she was leaving me for my best friend—aint that some shit. Maybe I deserve that for all of the things I have put her through during our relationship. I recently found out that my father has been diagnosed with cancer and he will be undergoing chemotherapy treatments.

I hate this shit. What am I thinking? I am not about to kill myself. Who cares about my job? After all the time and effort I put in that company and now they want to get rid of me. Maybe I will go up there with my friends Smith and Wesson and give them a real reason to fire me. As for my girlfriend, I hope her and my former best friend die in a horrible car accident together. I admit it, I haven’t been the best boyfriend of all time, but she did not have to do me the way she did. And why should I give a damn about my father? He never gave a damn about his family or me. He is the reason why my mother left us to be with another man. He treated her like a dog. Now that I think about it, you are not the reason for my life being this way, it’s God’s fault. He created you, me and everything else in this world. I don’t need to talk to you anymore. I know whom I need to talk to.

Sincerely,


Robert Harwin

P.S.

Tell Biggie and 2pac I said “What up niggas”.